blockersChicken Blockers? Rooster Blockers? Hen Blockers? Nope. I’ve got nothing. It’s obviously far too sophisticated for the likes of me. Kinda like those which will fill first puzzles or those memes that rely on no one remembering the order of operations. I guess I’ll have to remain in the dark.

The poster actually does the movie a disservice. I had assumed, entirely because of it, that this would be a pretty dumb, lowest common denominator experience. Maybe something that Johnny Knoxville would’ve happily put his name towards, something that someone would’ve been able to blackmail Robert De Niro into appearing in. I’m happy to put my hands up and admit that I was wrong.

Leslie Mann plays Lisa, the single mother to Julie (Kathryn Newton). Julie plans to lose her virginity to her boyfriend at the upcoming prom, which prompts her friends, Kayla (Geraldine Viswanathan) and the orientationally-confused Samantha (Gideon Adlon), to do likewise and so #SexPact2018 is born. Once the girls and their partners are all limoed up and on their way to womanhood, thanks to an open laptop, Lisa and Kayla’s over-protective dad Mitch (John Cena) and Sam’s estranged father Hunter (Ike Barinholtz) get wind of the plans and so begins a night of chasing the girls down at the prom and various after parties in an attempt to block them and maintain their precious virginities.

It was something of an unexpected surprise to discover how well the premise is handled, and how the movie has such a good heart, almost as much as it is to see a teen sex comedy with female protagonists. To their credit, although the girls’ partners aren’t exactly awful people and are flawed, they’re flawed in ways that don’t make them sexual predators or utter deviants. Given the fact that there are FIVE WRITERS credited on this, it’s even more surprising that the end result is so warm and homely and works so well. Okay, so there’s plenty of effing and jeffing. There’s drug abuse. There’s a beer enema, which I didn’t realize was a thing. There’s a set of male testicles on view. There’s John Cena’s toosh. It earns its R rating, but it’s still charming. And it’s also hilarious.

And who’da thunk that The Wrestling would’ve produced two of my most dependable acting chops? It’s impossible to entirely dislike anything The Rock signs up to, and John Cena is fast becoming the same. But it’s non-wrestling Geraldine Viswanathan who steals the show as Mitch’s daugher. Her character is very clear in her wants and expectations and Viswanathan plays it perfectly and is utterly delightful in doing so.

The theme of three parents looking to usurp their daughters’ sexual awakening may on the surface seem slightly problematic. No such concerns were ever aired, for example, in Superbad. But in its favor, the movie challenges this throughout, through ancillary characters and ultimately the daughters themselves. It’s a complication I can’t imagine making it to the production script even five years ago.

Fowl Blockers? Poultry Blockers? Jings. Clue anyone?


a quiet placeThe previews for A Quiet Place have been doing the rounds for some time, looking all the world like the distant cousin of 2016’s Don’t Breathe that had studied and went to college. We’ve all been stung before by trailers that look good and turn out to be bitterly disappointing. I feel bad for admitting this but there was a time when I thought that Sucker Punch looked kinda interesting. I’m not proud of that. I had higher hopes for this.

Emily Blunt and John Krasinski are a married couple who find themselves, their deaf daughter (a brilliant Millicent Simmonds) and two sons (Noah Jupe and Cade Woodward, both brilliant) on the wrong side of some kind of Catastrophic Event, presumably an alien invasion. The aliens are heavily armored, blind, but with an extraordinary sense of hearing. Make the slightest sound — just a cough or a sneeze — and it might just be the last thing they do. So the family walk on their bare feet, they communicate with ASL, they paint the squeak-free boards on their floors.

We join them three months after The Catastrophic Event, and already society has been mostly wiped out. Only small pockets of survivors remain, communicating their existence by way of hillside fires at night. On a recee into town to grab some meds for a fever, the youngest of the family attempts to steal a toy shuttle. Dad wisely says no, but the deaf daughter secretly gives it back to him, and then he sneakily doubles down on a pair of AAs. On a bridge out of town, the wee boy finds a switch that turns the shuttle into a klaxon and at that point, everything changes. A year later, and with Emily Blunt now heavily pregnant, the family is quietly coming to terms with those events.

The movie poses its bold questions early on. Exactly how is Emily Blunt intending to give birth without making a sound? How do they plan to keep their newborn baby quiet? How safe is the deaf daughter ever going to be when she’s unaware of any noise she or others in her vicinity may be creating? And what if any of them snore? It’s these questions that never stray too far from the viewers’ minds and it’s because of them that we know this wee family is about to be put through the mill.

For what is 95% a silent movie, the actors convey an enormous amount of emotion, mostly through expressions and body language. Not content with displaying his considerable acting chops, Krasinski directs with the precision of John Carpenter and also co-wrote the bad boy. One suspects he also rustled up a jambalaya or two in the catering truck.

The end result is an old-fashioned creature feature that genuinely does not let up the tension for the entire 95 minute running time. I say this as a good thing, but it’s actually physically exhausting to sit still throughout. Better yet, once the creature has been on screen, somehow it manages to retain its terrifying properties, which is quite an unusual achievement. And it’s all done so easily, so effortlessly. It’s difficult to come out of it and not think that all horror movies should be as good as this.

So it’s a scarier version of Don’t Breathe that, much like The Babadook, asks what it takes to protect a family and keep it together. It’s a great horror movie. Furthermore, it’s just a great movie.

A triumph!


isle_of_dogsIsle of Dogs. Is it named after an area in That London? You’d think so. Otherwise, it would probably be called Island of Dogs, given that the location in the movie is called Trash Island and not Trash Isle. But there doesn’t seem to be any point in that nod to the Docklands. There’s nothing Cockney in this whatsoever. So maybe it is just coincidence. Aye. These are the thoughts that go through my mind. Inconsequential. Forgettable. Almost not worth mentioning.

So. The movie, Isle of Dogs, then.

The latest offering from Wes Anderson (Moonrise Kingdom, The Royal Tenenbaums) is set in a near-future Japan where the authoritarian Mayor Kobayashi — not to be mistaken for the porcelain manufacturer in The Usual Suspects — exploits a dog flu epidemic to banish all dogs to from the city of Megasaki to Trash Island. Because he really, really, hates dogs. The first pooch to be dispatched is Spots, friend and protector of Atari Kobayashi, young ward of the Mayor. Atari is none too taken by these events and so nicks a plane and flies to Trash Island (see, told you) to get his dog back. But the island (not isle) is now residence to hundreds of dogs, all of whom are sick, most of whom are hungry, and not all of them are prepared to give Atari a warm welcome to their new (smelly) home.

The stop-motion animation has a slightly jerky feel to it, as though every second frame has been removed but, if anything, it works better because of it. While it would appear each scene has been carefully structured, and there are many scenes that are simply gorgeous, there are a number where the composition is a little weird; heads of speaking characters appearing at the very bottom of the frame, f’rinstance. I’m sure it’s deliberate. I just can’t think why, and it’s distracting. On the flip side, the fight scenes that are a mixture of clouds and limbs are an absolute delight.

It’s an embarrassment of riches in terms of voice talent. Bryan Cranston, Ed Norton, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Scarlett Johansson, and, surprisingly, Yoko Ono (playing a character credited as Assistant Scientist Yoko Ono) all make the requisite noises with their mouths and tongues to a very high standard, delivering the lines with a deadpan detachment that injects a little humor into the most mundane of situations.

Aside from an oddly slimline storyline of One Boy and His Dog, I’m not sure if I was impressed by the representation of Japanese culture, or by Wes Anderson’s best guess at representation of Japanese culture, and the character who seems most in tune with the corruption of the Kobayashi political class is, of course, American. From Ohio, to be exact.

But perhaps the biggest — and unforgivable — letdown is that this One Boy and His Dog movie never really threatens to trouble the emotions and that it fails to linger much in the mind beyond the walk back to the car. For all the crying the characters did, there was never the threat of that happening in real life.

Inconsequential. Forgettable. Almost not worth mentioning.

lady_bird_ver2A generation much younger than mine will surely look at Lady Bird and think of it as their The Breakfast Club. That’s how much I loved this movie. And to make it even better, it doesn’t rely on an eighty-five-year-old Judd Nelson pretending to be sixteen. Huzzah!

Saoirse Ronan, fast becoming one of my most favorite actors, plays the titular teenaged Lady Bird, a name she gives herself to replace the far more everyday Christine that her parents thought to give her. Sheldon’s mom, Laurie Metcalf, plays her mother. Laurie Metcalf is also excellent. I kinda love Laurie Metcalf. No, that’s not right. I love Laurie Metcalf. From the opening scene, we understand everything we need to know about their relationship. On a drive somewhere, they’ve been listening to the audiobook of The Grapes of Wrath. They share a tear together, and then fall into a horrendously bitter argument that ends with Lady Bird throwing herself out of the moving car.

There’s little plot beyond that, as such, and the story as it exists is based around Lady Bird’s final year of high school, how her relationships change and she grows up. Lady Bird longs to move from her Sacramento hometown to attend college on the East Coast. She hates her home life. She thinks she deserves better. She thinks that her family should appreciate this. She’s embarrassed by her surroundings. Her mother responds to this by reminding her of what she owes to her family, particularly her depressed but hard working father. And that’s pretty much it.

As light as that sounds, it’s heart-breaking, it’s funny, it’s real, it keeps true to its ideals throughout, and most importantly, it works. Everyone involved in this project is at the height of their game. The acting is first rate. Aside from the leads, Tracy Letts as Lady Bird’s dad, and Beanie Feldstein as her best friend are equally great but for different reasons. Director Greta Gerwig is clever enough to not let any scene drag too long. She’ll happily cut where another director would be half way done. How so much talent to write, direct, act and still just be in her thirties is beyond me, and slightly infuriating.

So is there anything I didn’t like about it? Well, yes. There’s a toilet door that you’ll question why it wasn’t locked, and there’s a job interview confusion that felt a little there just because of plot. That’s it. I’m done. It was great. It was emotional enough to make me cry, and say Ooft! but not in the places I expected it to. If you haven’t seen it, you should do so now.

A triumph!


death wishAt the time of writing, there are exactly 297 days left in 2018. Which means that 2018 has 297 days left to release a 90 minute movie of Bruce Willis doing nothing more than sitting in the middle of a paddling pool full of creamed rice, wearing an Easter bonnet and making bibble-bibble noises by drumming his fingers over his lips. If 2018 delivers, and that movie actually comes out, there’s only a 50/50 chance that it will be more stupid than Death Wish.

It’s the remake no one was waiting for. Michael Winner’s 1974 original, starring Charles “Charlie” Bronson, was extremely problematic thanks to a brutal rape scene and the unquestioning siding with the vigilante. The solitary positive to be taken from this mess is that Eli Roth’s 2018 version chooses not to linger too much on the sexual violence. If this were an M Night Shyamalan movie, that would have been the twist.

Bruce Willis, almost ten years older than Bronson was at time of filming, plays Paul Kersey, who seems to be the only working surgeon in Chicago. At the start of the movie, before the opening credits, he’s interrupted from one operation to try to save another gunshot wound victim, something he ultimately fails to do. For a good fifteen minutes, the movie does it’s level best to make us care about him and his family; wife Lucy (Elizabeth Shue) and daughter Jordon (Camila Morrone) and ne’er-do-well brother Frank (Vincent D’Onofrio). It does so by allowing us to watch them have breakfast and be cute together. It doubles down on this by showing Jordan playing soccer while Paul confronts but fails to fight a profane parent on the sidelines.

Try as we might, we simply don’t care about those people so when the house is broken into by masked people related to the baddies from Home Alone, leaving Lucy dead and Jordan in a coma, aside from an unintentionally funny pan-of-boiling-water-to-the-face, it’s difficult to muster up anything more dramatic than a sigh.

Enter at this point Chicago’s only working detectives; Dean Norris (who you’ll remember being a million times better in Breaking Bad) and Kimberly Elise (who you’ll probably remember from nothing at all). They’re really bad at their jobs, which may or may not be intended to be funny, and after an amazingly strange post-funeral encounter with his father-in-law, Paul decides to investigate the crime himself and take matters into his own hands by becoming a cold-blooded killer and tactical mastermind after watching one gun shop commercial. Hey, he didn’t spend all those years at medical school NOT learning to how to hurdle dumpsters while escaping gunfire.

We all know how this is going to turn out. What’s disappointing is that Eli Roth does nothing to usurp that sense of premonition. The kills are largely dull and uninteresting, given his track record, and when we see a bowling bowl, inexplicably poised on a raised shelf, anyone who’s ever seen a Fred Quimby Tom & Jerry cartoon know that ball is destined to meet cranium before too long.

As predictable and stupid and bothersome as it is, it’s fatal crime is that it is terminally boring. Bruce Willis seems to be forgetting how to act. Eli Roth doesn’t know how to shock anymore. When the most memorable thing about the movie is Dean Norris’s attempts to stick to his diet, you know that you’re in trouble.

Okay 2018. Let’s see what you’ve got. 297 days and counting. Bibble-bibble.

annihilationThere’s something quite refreshing about seeing a familiar genre take a turn in a new direction. Last year’s Arrival was a great example of an alien movie that took linguistics and determinism, locked them in a room with a bottle of red and a Barry White CD and waited to see what happened. Annihilation very much continues in that manner. From the opening shots when we see what is presumably a meteor crash through a quiet oceanside lighthouse, we get the impression that we’re aiming for a quieter, more nuanced experience. Otherwise, it would be Grand Central Station that would’ve been totaled. Again. Maybe it’s not really about the meteor. Maybe it’s not really about the alien threat.

A quite fabulous Natalie Portman plays Lena, a former soldier who now teaches biology at a big fancy university. Her army husband, Kane (Oscar Isaac out of Star Wars), has been missing for a year and then suddenly returns a different man with no memory of where he’s been. When he takes violently ill, he’s rushed to hospital but on the way the ambulance is ambushed by some military types and the couple are transported to a base on the edge of a mysterious, fluid barrier called The Shimmer, which basically looks like the solution used for blowing bubbles, all rainbowy and oily. With Kane on death’s door thanks to the affects of a mission inside The Shimmer, it isn’t long before Lena and an all-female crew (but not in a 90s remake way) are tooled up for their own mission to discover what secrets The Shimmer holds and for Lena to (somehow) save her hubby. They’ll have to be quick, though, because everything on the wrong side of the barrier is changed, and dangerous. It’s all a bit like Evolution but without the laughs and lubrication (assuming you found Evolution funny (which it was)).

Fans of the Jeff VanderMeer novel will most likely be perplexed by this. Aside from the general concept, the movie bears no real resemblance to the book. The characters are named, the whole basis of The Shimmer is different, we start and end in completely different places. One has to wonder what VanderMeer thinks about this state of affairs, in between counting his piles of money.

Portman is entirely believable as the biologist, and we get a real sense of the pain she has to go through losing her husband twice. She’s supported by a strong supporting cast. Jennifer Jason Leigh as Dr Ventress, the base’s rather socially inept therapist, and Gina Rodriguez as the fiery Anya are in excellent form. Visually, for the most part, it’s stunning and Garland isn’t scared to take his time in the exploration of the environment or the themes. A two hour running time, particularly these days, seemed to be on the ponderous side for other audience members, but felt just about right to me.

Where it really works is in its exploration of depression. Lena has her demons, Anya is an addict, another member of the party is mourning the loss of a daughter, Ventress is a friendless mystery who barely seems to exist on any level outside of work. And here they all are, facing an unseen but quickly changing demon that lurks in the shadows, or under the water, or in the depths of the night. This is something that I didn’t really spot in the book, most likely because the book is about something completely different, but it’s front and center in the movie.

There’s a short section towards the middle where there’s a conversation about how everyone self-destructs in one way or another — be it drugs, alcohol, philandering, whatever. It’s an interesting observation and one that applies to all the characters in the film, and a nod to the sense of depression that permeates practically every scene. There’s an awkwardness about it all, from the position in which Lena wakes up, to Ventress’s posture in the opening, to any number of uneasy conversations. Everything is set to make us feel uncomfortable, and while the price for that is the arm’s length distance that’s kept between audience and characters, it remains true to the thrust of the movie.

The whole project, though, is let down a little by some ropey animal CGI and for all its attempts to be mysterious and enigmatic, the flashback structure of the movie robs it of any tension that may otherwise have been present.  We know who lives and dies fairly early on. Also, as well acted as it is, and as clear as the themes are, it’s difficult to feel much for these flawed characters.

It’s still a pretty decent addition to the library of 2010s Sci-Fi movies and while I kinda enjoyed the new Blade Runner, for example, it’s more refreshing to see something like this take a more unusual, and for our times, salient path.

gamenightJason Bateman. He’s come a long way since Teen Wolf Too. Well, in a sense he’s come a long way. He’s an older man now, proof if ever we needed it that the laws of entropy and decay apply to Jason Bateman as much as they apply to mere mortal non-Jason-Batemans such as ourselves. He’s earned something of a reputation, in my mind anyway, of being a one trick pony, which is probably deserved. But you know what? I like him. I’ve liked him in everything I’ve seen him in so I went into Game Night pretty sure I was going to like what I saw. I did.

Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams play Max and Annie, a well-matched competitive couple who host regular game nights for their friends where they, em, play board games. Look, just go with it, okay? Some people probably do this in 2018. Not anyone I know, right enough, but these people surely exist. Max’s estranged brother, Brooks, because if people play board games with friends then it’s absolutely certain that people are sometimes named after multiple small rivers, turns up to one. Brooks is really successful, much to Max’s chagrin, and seems to enjoy embarrassing his sibling at every opportunity. He invites everyone round to his gaff the next week where he, instead, will host Game Night. Outrageous! Well, Max and Annie think so, and because they’re so competitive and stuff, decide that they MUST win Brooks’ Game Night.

But Brooks has something up his sleeve. This isn’t going to be another night of Charades, Jenga, and Scrabble (thank God). Instead, it’s going to be a murder mystery style affair where one of the party is going to be kidnapped and then everyone else must work to find the clues and the hostage before the end of the night. So when two masked men with guns burst into the house and drag Brooks away in a van, everyone is amusingly nonplussed. Max even graciously tells the goons to drive safely. It’s just a game, after all. Or is it? And doesn’t this sound an awful lot like The Game?

For the next while, the fun of the movie comes from these suburban couples becoming increasingly and unwittingly immersed in a seedy underworld of kidnap and black market dealings that may or may not be fictitious. And it is fun. Bateman and McAdams have a great chemistry together and bounce off each other well, and the supporting cast are all engaging. Writer Mark Perez has a great ear for dialogue, directors John Francis Daly and Jonathon Goldstein keep things moving at a brisk pace for the most part, probably because there’s two of them. There’s even a neat little device where most of the establishing shots are animated models of towns and roads, like toys and games.

Where it fails is in the continuity of the ideas and the bluffs and the duplicity and confusion of who knows what and when. With each new twist and turn, the plot makes less and less sense and by the end, nothing of what you’ve seen adds up to anything remotely in the vicinity of coherent and plausible activity.

It’s almost forgivable, though, because it’s great fun and it’s laugh out loud funny in lots of places, with humor that’s mined mostly from people reacting calmly to outrageously dangerous situations. Jason Bateman has seldom been so Jason Bateman. He’s the same character as he was in the Horrible Boss movies. They may even have the same name. I’d have to look it up.

It’s not going to win any awards. Beyond the first 24 hours after viewing, all memories of it will end up filed away in a folder in the brain marked, Things That Happened in Jason Bateman Movies, which will no doubt come back to haunt me at a Trivia Night in the not too distant future. At some point, I’ll question if I’ve ever seen it. But for now, I did, and I’m pretty happy about that.