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As a species, we’ve accomplished a lot. We’ve achieved things that we should all be terribly proud of, things that are really impressive when you think about it. For example, we put a man on the moon a mere sixty-odd years after we discovered flight. How incredible is that? Think of all the brain power and ingenuity that went into building something like the Large Hadron Collider. Or the minds that dared to dream up the concept of convincing everyone that they should carry a phone around with them wherever they go. So yeah. We should all give ourselves a pat on the back. We’re pretty smart cookies.

And yet.

And yet, as a species we still haven’t figured out a way to stop Bruce Willis from making movies. Humbling, isn’t it?

RED 2 is another sequel where I haven’t seen the first movie but I was told that the first one was a “lot of fun.” That may well be the case.

RED 2 isn’t a lot of fun. In fact, it isn’t any kind of fun.

What RED 2 is, is a perfect storm where anything that can go wrong in the making of a movie, does go wrong. This is what happens when actors, writers, and the director simply don’t care. You’re not telling me that Helen Mirren doesn’t know how to act, or John Malkovich doesn’t know how to act, but they both give staggeringly lifeless performances. You’re not telling me director Dean Parisot isn’t aware that Bruce Willis is treating each and every line he has to utter with contempt (deservedly so, by the way) and yet he can’t be bothered to shoot a retake.

The script was … well, I suppose the word is “written” … by Jon and Erich Hoeber. These people have other credits under their belts (not for anything decent) but they manage to give the impression that they have only seen a script once and just have a basic understanding of the English language. The thing that in proper movies would be called a “plot” but here is really just a collection of sounds and shapes, has to do with a special kind of time bomb in the Kremlin or something and Bruce Willis and John Malkovich, who play ex-CIA agents, have to stop it and some other people want to stop them from doing stopping it. Or want to do other things, like kill them. I’m not sure. It’s largely pointless and doesn’t make any kind of sense and while it isn’t making any kind of sense, it’s trotting around the globe increasing everyone’s carbon footprint.

Here’s an example of it not making any sense. They break into the Kremlin by knocking down a wall in the basement of a Papa John’s Pizza, which presumably is next door.

Here’s another example of it not making any sense. A helicopter crashes at Heathrow airport and no one turns up to see what happened.

Here’s yet another example of it not making any sense. Anthony Hopkins’ character has been in jail for 30 years but has no problem whatsoever in flying a Lear jet.

Sigh. It’s such a shame. There are some impressive names attached to this. It’s not the worst concept in the world. On paper it should be at least decent. But instead it’s proof, if it were ever needed, that actors can turn a good script into a bad movie but they can seldom do the opposite.

Okay. So back to the Bruce Willis thing. Maybe if we take turns at parking over his drive way. It’d be a start. Who’s in?

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