When the most impressive couple of things in a movie are Natalie Portman’s bare buttocks, and when the funniest thing is a severed bull’s penis, it can’t say very much about the rest of it. Well, maybe it does say a lot about it, but none of it good.

Set in an alternate version of the Middle Ages, Your Highness tells (well, I say tells) the story (well, I say story) of a royal odd couple of princes. Fabious (James Franco) is the hero, his brother, Thadeous (Danny McBride) isn’t. When Fabious’s fiancée (Zooey Deschanel) is kidnapped by the evil Leezar, the brothers have to team up and launch a quest to rescue the fair maiden. Along the way, the characters use 21st Century idioms and swears in amongst the forsooths and ye gads and it’s this tiresome juxtaposition that’s supposed to coax every … single … laugh the movie can be bothered to muster.

Look, it’s awful. It made me angry. When it finished, I was so happy I almost fooled myself into thinking I quite enjoyed it. I doubt I’ll see a worse film this year. Thinking about it again is giving me a headache. So instead of pecking out another few hundred words about this thief of time, here’s a recipe for jambalaya that I think you’ll quite enjoy.

You will need (for six generous servings):

  • 3 lbs. shrimp
  • 1 lb. smoked sausage
  • 2 Tbsp. oil
  • 1 Tbsp. butter
  • 1 cup onions, chopped
  • 1 cup green peppers, chopped
  • 1/2 cup celery, finely chopped
  • 1 can of tinned tomatoes
  • 3 cloves garlic, chopped
  • 1/4 cup parsley, chopped
  • 2 cups chicken stock
  • 1/2 cup green onions, chopped
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 1 tsp. thyme
  • 1 tsp. basil
  • 1/8 tsp cayenne pepper (or more, if you so desire. I desire.)
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1/8 tsp. cloves
  • 1/8 tsp. allspice
  • 1/2 tsp. chilli powder
  • 1 1/2 cups long grain rice

First, peel the shrimp. Then, slice the sausage and saute in oil and butter over low heat for about 5 minutes. Add the onions, green peppers, celery and garlic and saute slowly until the vegetables are tender and then stir in the tomatoes, seasonings, rice and stock. Add the shrimp and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat, cover and simmer for about 25-30 minutes, or until rice is fluffy. During the last 5 minutes of cooking add the green onions and chopped parsley. Serve and enjoy.