It’s that time of year again. Big Brother 10. Who’da thunk that Davina McCall’s career and our interest would have lasted so long? Or at the very least, delayed the inevitable.

I was unfortunate enough to see the Big Brother Quiz the other night and I’m pretty sure it insulted my cat’s intelligence. It honestly couldn’t have been any worse had Chris Moyles been somehow involved.

So anyway, despite my better judgment, I’m sitting watching the launch show as per usual and shall be exchanging bitchy comments with m’colleague Stoobs as the freaks are fed in. I’ll register my intial thoughts on the sorry bunch here. Might as well.

9:01pm — Davina reveals that 16 housemates aren’t really housemates. Fingers crossed for monkeys.

9:03pm — Davina makes a Deal or no Deal funny while trying to muster up interest in the housemate / non-housemate twist.

Here we go, folks!

9:04pm — Freddie — posh bloke who seems to be trying to sound like Derrin Brown. Not a monkey. Can’t help but be disappointed. First impression … fud.

9:07pm — Lisa — she’s a lady lesbian but doesn’t follow the typical blonde hair, big busted stereotype. This one has a shaved head, tattoos and many piercings. How novel. First impression … wasn’t she on last year? And the year before?

9:11pm — Sophie — glamour model. Hold on, though. Don’t go forming an opinion just yet because just like Lisa, she breaks stereotypes by being thick as fuck. First impression … she’ll get her chebs out before sunset.

So far, off to a bad start. Charlie Brooker thinks Sophie needs a Sims icon above her head. I tend to agree.

9:19pm — Kris — That’s Kris with a K. Oh dear. Pretty sure he was on last year, too. Didn’t he … oh, I forget. First impression … seems quite fond of himself.

9:23pm — Noirin — she’s the one who claims to be outrageous and an exhibitionist but she’ll not say a word for a week and then people will forget she’s even there. First impression … which one’s she again?

9:26pm — Cairon — another one who’s been on before. It’s Science. And we all know how successful that was. First impression … I actually might end up tolerating this version.

Six down. Ten to go. Ten. That’s still quite a lot. A monkey can’t yet be ruled out.

9:34pm — Angel — a Russian female(?) boxer. I’m losing the will to live here. Most interesting thing about her is she went down the right hand staircase. First impression … a bone fide weirdo.

9:39pm — Karly — an unemployed Scottish lady who says bitch an awful lot and will be interchangable with Sophie. That’ll be her dole money screwed. First impression … she’ll be evicted first.

9:43pm — Marcus — a window cleaning geek with half a beard. Has the look of the carny and I predict he’ll be nominated every week until the others get bored with the public’s reaction and decide to lynch him. Stoobs comment: “bet he smells of leather.” First impression … I like him already.

Are we there yet?

9:51pm — Beinazir — normal. First impression … normal.

9:54pm — Sophia — a tiny woman. Not Mini-Me tiny, but certainly short. What she loses in height, she more than makes up for with a screeching, mind-piercing, laugh that literally makes you want to rip your own eyeballs out and stuff them in your ears. First impression … perhaps the most annoying short woman I’ve ever seen.

9:58pm — Rodrigo — a bisexual Brazillian. Seems overwhelmed by everything. First impression … he’ll be popular.

10:01pm —  Charlie — A gay Geordie. Is the aliteration deliberate? First impression … seems a decent enough chap but oh, who cares?

Struggling to see where the entertainment is going to come from.

10:09pm — Saffia — another person who claims not to be a nice person. Yes, I’m a bitch. I’m horrible. No one likes me and I hate everyone. She doesn’t like the term single-mum, despite the fact that it describes her. Is ditching two young children for the summer … or maybe the next couple of days. First impression … boring.

10:12pm — Sree — he’s the prudish, tee-total, non-sweary one that manages to get on everyone’s tits after the first night. First impression … not much, but Stoobs isn’t a fan.

10:15pm — Siavash — Iranian man who … well, I’m not sure what he does. Claims to be a stylist or something. I’m finding this very hard to follow, but he seems a right twat regardless. Have a sneaking suspicion that Mike Myers is under that hair and make-up. First impression … look, I’m just glad that’s the lot.

Terrible line up. I’m thinking that these were the only 16 people who applied. So disappointed that we’re lacking a monkey but I suspect they’ll all be flinging shite at each other by the weekend.

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