For the last six nights, Most Haunted Live has been on Living TV. We’ll discuss the irony of Living TVs death-heavy schedules another time.

For those not familiar with the concept, a woman who used to present Blue Peter — Yvette Fielding — her husband and their extended family, stand around in dark rooms with night vision cameras, while a medium insists someone called Betty from 1762 is sitting in a corner juggling with kittens. On occasion, they move a marker around a ouija board or, for reasons not entirely clear, make a table tilt a bit.

Essentially, that’s it. It goes on for a few hours with a few breaks to the utterly pointless Paul Ross back in the studio. All the while, the great unwashed use up their free text allocation by trying to attribute the fact that their dog’s barking or their cat has done a particularly large dump in the litter tray to events on screen.

Now, I’ve wasted more hours of my life watching this rubbish than is probably healthy. I’m happy to concede that it’s strangely compelling stuff. Watching adults cutting about, papping themselves like kids can be pretty funny — a bit like Blair Witch but with less snot. Admittedly,  it was better a few years ago when failed footballer Derek Pakora used to fake possessions on cue, three or four times a night. Then he got found out to be a fake, a fraud, a cheat and a liar so he was a failure at that too. No one was in the least bit surprised.

Here’s one of the many clips online of the chicanery that passes for serious paranormal investigation. It’s worth sticking with it beyond the double entendre when they seem to think they’re “clear”.

The most compelling thing about it, though, is that in five years of doing this, they’ve found fuck all ghosts. There’s no documented evidence of anything. There is not one centimeter of film in the Most Haunted archives that feature a ghost, a ghoul, a spectre or a Slimer from Ghostbusters. The best they have are orbs — more commonly known as dust.

And that’s what’s so fascinating/confounding about this week’s extended versions. They’ve found nothing in the past. That’s old hat. Now, they’re going to find nothing for a whole week and for their magnum opus at the end, they’re not going to raise Satan from his diabolical slumber. When do we think Yvette will look at her life and realise she might as well have spent the last five years farting on the sofa and eating Pringles for all the difference it’s made.

Which all brings me on to this YouTube clip. What I particularly love about this is the story of the guy who posted the video. The more eagle-eyed viewers will notice that he’s rewound live TV via his Sky+ doo-dah, so you can imagine the conversation that must’ve went on in his house.

“It’s Yvette! She’s moving the fucking table! Look! The cloth’s creasing up round her bloody fingers! REWIND!!”

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