In an age of digital terrorism and identify theft, it’s somewhat refreshing to see some con artists haven’t turned their back on the classics. Received today in my email:

FROM THE DESK OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT.

Good day,
I am Lt. Gen.ALIYU MOHAMMED, National Security Adviser to President Umaru
Musa Yara’adua of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

I decided to contact you because of the prevailing security report
reaching my office and the intense nature of policy in Nigeria.This is
to inform you about our plan to send your fund to you via cash delivery.
This system will be easier for you and for us.We are going to send your
contract part payment of US$10. Million to you via diplomatic courier
service. I have secured every needed document to cover the money.Note:
The money is coming on 2 security proof boxes. The boxes are sealed with
synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine.

I will use my position as the National Security Adviser to the President
to send this fund to you. The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent
who will accompany the boxes to your house address.

All you need to do now Is to send to me your full house address and your
identity such as, international passport or drivers license including
your contact phone numbers, The Diplomatic attached will travel with it.
He will call you immediately he arrives your country’s airport. I hope
you understand me.I will let you know when the special Grace of God will
airlift the boxes.Note: The diplomatic does not know the original
contents of the boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is
Sensitive Photographic Film Material. I did not declare money tothem
please. If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the
same thing Ok,I will let you know how far I have gone with the
arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate
that will be tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic
consignment.

This clearance will make it pass every custom checkpoint all over the
world without hitch. Confirm the receipt of this message and send the
requirements to me immediately you receive this message, i will give you
the contact of the diplomatic agents for more information on how to
carry out the plan.

Please I need urgent reply because the boxes are schedule to be as soon
as we hear from you.

Best Regards,
Lt. Gen.ALIYU MOHAMMED
National Security Adviser to the President
Federal Republic of Nigeria
+2348056316532

It’s almost sweet, isn’t it?  There’s a certain innocence behind that email; a belief that it’ll work, that no alarm bells will ring in my head whatsoever and I’ll send my bank account, sort code and sit back and wait for the lolly to roll in.

So I’ve gone back with the following:

Dear Colonel Saunders,

This con again? Really?  Does it ever work?  Seriously, how much money have you ever made out of it?  The idiot sitting next to you, how much money has he ever made out of it?  I can’t imagine people are so stupid they’d fall for it.  Everyone knows you’re not a Lt Col.  They know you’re not a Saudi prince.  They know you’re sitting in an internet cafe, praying there’s still a shmuck out there who hasn’t heard this scam before and thinks you’re genuine.  But if they’re that stupid, what makes you think they can work a PC?  How lazy are you?  Get a fucking job, make some money, buy yourself a PC, get on the internet and when you get a spazmo email like the one you’ve just sent me, think to yourself, am I REALLY that stupid?  That’s what everyone on your mailing list is asking themselves right now.

Kind Regards,

Yer Maw.

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