A couple of years ago, on a Saturday afternoon in the Summer, I went to Luss, which is a small village on the west coast of Loch Lomond that was used for some of the OB shots in High Road. It was an experience. So much so, I was compelled to write a poem about it. I never write poems. There’s probably good reason for that. Anyway, this is the poem what I wrotted:

The bonny, bonny banks
of aluminium —
disregarded Buckfast
warmed in the setting sun.

Milk white boys in freefall
from pier to loch below,
while Fila clad females
guard the twelve-packs and blow.

Freelander cops watch from
behind the front grille chrome
as the bored and troubled
take the low road home.

So we went back yesterday as it was another glorious day and I’m happy to report that there were no weedgie scumbags there this time and the idyll was left untarnished. Except for this line of bastard ducks that were noising everyone up.

Some ducks.  Yesterday.

So, while I’m doing my bit for the Agryll & Bute tourist office, I can whole-heartedly recommend spending an afternoon in the delightful village of Luss. But be aware that there can be drunken hooligans and menacing aquatic birdlife, but if you’re willing to take a risk, you should have a nice time. Oh, and the tea in the hotel on the main road tastes like chlorine, but the burgers are quality.

And if anyone recognises any of the ducks, please contact CrimeStoppers as police are looking to speak to them in connection with a stolen cheese baguette and several counts of quacking in a public place.

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