A message for the driver of a purple 05 Corsa, Dunblane bound at 8.40 this morning.

Hi. How you doing?

I wonder if you remember the good old days when people used to indicate when they were driving?

I don’t mean indicate in a flicking the Vickies type way or demonstrating how many types of coffee bean go into a jar of Nescafe sort of manner, like you did in your rear view mirror. I mean, moving that stalk doo-dah near the steering wheel to give your fellow motorists, ie. me, a little heads-up that you’re intending on screeching to a halt in the middle of the street in the next half-second, just before turning right in Bridge of Allan this morning to park against the traffic outside the bookies.

You must remember indicators. They’re what makes those yellow / orange light things on the corners of your car flash on and off. Look, if you don’t know what I’m on about, and it seems that fewer and fewer people do know, dig out an old Minder VHS or catch some episodes of the Sweeney on Bravo. Maybe that’ll jog your memory. Go on. Off you go.

In the meantime, I’ll watch a few Derren Brown shows and see if I can pick up any tips to help me read your mind if you happen to be in front of me ever again, or if I happen to be about to overtake you on a motorway and you decide to swing out, or if we happen to be travelling in opposite directions, approaching the same roundabout and you want to go right and you honk your horn at me like it’s my fault when you nearly T-Bone me, or if you suddenly decide that after all these years you want to get all continental and give way to traffic on the left on a roundabout for a change, and I’ll be sure to pack some survival equipment if I have the
misfortune to be stuck behind you while you and three of your brethren play automotive statues at a mini-roundabout like you’re The Four Clueless Drivers of the Apocalypse.

Down when you’re going left. Up when you’re going right.

Happy motoring.